As I watch your life in pictures, I learn that I'll never stop growing deeper and deeper in love with you, sweet angels.

I can't help but feel this overwhelming sense of emptiness today.
I've been thinking a lot about the two and a half months of absolute bliss I had with my babies.
Why did I ever even get on that plane back home? Tell me, what was I thinking?
I wasn't.
If I was thinking, I wouldn't have ever even packed my bags. Ever.
I would have stayed there my entire life, feeling the immense joy and happiness those children give me for the rest of my life.
BUT stupid me, I packed my bags, mindlessly, and stepped onto that plane.

It's hard for me to forget the day when I looked 76 or some odd children in the eye and with tears falling down my face, I had to some how push out goodbye. Now how I did that, I will never ever understand. It was the most hurtful experience of my life. I have never had my heart feel like that.
Our last day at our main orphanage we were all a wreck, obviously. Who wouldn't be, right?
Well, we all struggled putting our babies down, and we all went back to them several times.
I remember holding Belen for the last time. She always would cuddle with me, but this time was different. I can't explain it. It was like we were the only two people in the world.
 I nuzzled my face in her neck and told her i loved her. She'll never understand the meaning of those words coming out of my mouth.
She changed me.
Completely altered my life, and I couldn't be more indebted to anyone the way I am to her.
I can still see her perfect little smile, and can still hear her darling laugh.
I can feel her tears on my shirt, and can feel her sobs slow to a soft cry and then silence as she falls asleep.
I know that girl like the back of my hand. I see her everywhere I go, and I believe that she was given to me because I needed purpose in my life.
And as I had to lay her in her cuna for the last time, I felt broken for the first time in my life. Like I lost my other half, and i'd never get it back. Looking back, I don't know how any of us girls left. Someone was really watching over us, giving us the strength we needed to get through those last hours with the most loved and important people in our lifes.
As if saying goodbye to our baby babies wasn't hard enough, as we were walking out, casa 4 was having dinner and like every night walking out from shift, I and the other girls, waved to them through the window.
Me and Jacqui didn't get to say goodbye to them when we said goodbye to our casa kids, so when all of the kids in casa 4 ran out the front door towards us, we both opened our arms ready to embrace every one of them. Jesus came to me and I swear I hugged him and kissed him for like five minutes. Me and jacqui took our time, which the other girls didn't appreciate but this wasn't something to be rushed, as we were trying to finish up saying goodbye to casa 4, casa 1 and some of casa two come running out after us! ah. We were a complete mess. I remember hugging them and they kept saying, "don't cry, I love you"  They are such smart kids. They walked us to the van, with their arms around us. We were both sobbing, of course, and I had to jump in the van or else I wouldn't have left, which i'm regretting now. When I got in the van I curled up in a ball on the seat and the next thing I know, Fernanda is on top of me, hugging me saying, "wendy don't cry, I love you. don't cry, don't cry." She kissed me on the cheek and the next thing I knew we were on our way up the hill for the last time with all the casa1 boys chasing our car, waving goodbye to us, and saying I love you with their hands. (you know, the sign language for I love you)

I don't know why I felt like telling that story.
It's so special to me.
I can't help but think about it every day.
It is the first day of the beginning of my life without the greatest love i've ever felt.
Those kids are absolutely EVERYTHING to me.
I don't even want to think about saying goodbye to them for a second time.
I know whats coming, and I never want it to come.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I miss our babies, girls.
Never in my life have I felt this way.
They will always be remembered and loved by me.

Princesa Belenita, I will ALWAYS love you.
Todos ninos de Ecuador, Te queiro mucho siempre.

I'm coming back for you angels.
In a little over a month.
I'll love you for always.

...until then I watch your life through pictures, and fall deeper in love with you with every glance.